My muse has taken off into strange and scary directions and I'm balking at going with her. I think I've officially scared people with some of the things I've produced recently and I'm not sure the reason why. This isn't just angst anymore, folks, it's something else, and I'm actually quite disturbed by the phenomenon. I'm hoping it's a momentary fad and will slip away. In the meantime, I did some more work on "Stay" and brought some parts into line with "Pathways" as well as added some things to the ending which I think will help round out the story a bit. Again, this story is still not 'complete' and I'm probably on draft number 80 at this point. I'm shooting to have it all done next week.

I did manage to pull it together today to get the Lori fic done. It's called "How an Ensign Became a Poolboy" and it's disturbing for other reasons. I have a couple more edits to do to it before getting it ready for primetime, but in general, it's got to be the silliest thing I've written in a long time. And note, silly is not scary.

I'm wondering if the muse is tired or if she is simply overwhelmed by the below "push comes to shove" deal. In one way, I love working with other people to generate ideas and write it up together, but on the other hand, I also have a very set way of how I do things and how I want things to be done. yes, sometimes, I can be a type A personality. As a coworker said one day, I can be really laid back about where 800 computers could be, but when it comes to making sure everyone has an equal share of candy, whoa, watch out. So I still haven't made a decision whether to stay or go.

I got some lovely, lovely FB for "All Things" from someone whose writing I greatly respect and admire. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I honestly did not think this story would get noticed at all and the fact that someone did enjoy it, did see it for what it really was, means so much for me. Definitely another note to add to the "Read when you're feeling down" pile (anyone else have this?).

I mentioned to zendom today, it's not the FB that matters to me anymore, but rather am I writing what I need to write? What I want to write? Whether there's an audience or not, well, I've got to write what I want to write, right? I think that's why this whole "push comes to shove" is really bothering me. I can pervert my own sense of what I want to write only so many times before it starts to bother me. I can probably get something out based on a pairing or an idea, but it's not going to be the best quality necessarily and as the C/T fic proved, it can be downright scary.

That's not to say I don't appreciate FB. I do. I love it. I crave it. I want it. I'm immensely gratified that people take time to read and write, sometimes wonderful indepth FB, sometimes simple little notes. All of equal value. However, as Lori pointed out, FB is getting scarce these days. So it really comes down to writing for yourself, not for the FB. If you're writing for the FB, I think it could get disappointing. There's a black hole some stories disappear into and that's just the way things are. Can't explain it, can't understand it, but that's how it can be.

Anyway, I've made a resolution to FB at least three stories a week. When times are tough, that might be a tall order, but for right now, I think it's realistic enough. And believe me - it's purely selfish. I just sent off long and detailed FB to an author whose works I adore; hopefully she will write some more? Hey, you never know...

It's time to let the muse rest. Perhaps with rest... good night, moon.