Bye Bye Bye

Previously on the Blog Wars (in reading order):
Jemima Ex Machina (Jemima, XOVER)
From the Swiss Department of War (Liz Barr, Harry Potter)
The Blogger Strikes Back (Lori, XOVER)
Jemima's Annotated Guide to the Blog Wars


Seema slumped in her seat. Great. Now they were in a minivan - a minivan! - in some strange galaxy where people were shooting at them. That was the bad news. On a hypocritically sorrowful note, JarJar Binks had been annihilated by Jemima - Seema had covered her eyes at the scene and silently hoped that JarJar Binks was enjoying the CGI afterworld. Other good news was that Robbie was now flying - driving? - the minivan through space so at least they were in good hands. And even more good news - the Buffy clan was finally gone; that blond chick was irksome to say least, especially since she insisted on karate-chopping everything in sight. Chakotay was visibly depressed now that Willow was gone - he kept insisting he had to go find her and tell her a story.

At least it was quiet - well, except for Jemima's laments about the fact Lori had made her poolboy disappear. Still Seema was grateful, especially now that she no longer had to hang upside down since the antibiotics were making her less nutty than they had been previously. Now she could get about the serious business of writing - oh wait, she was on a break, wasn't she? It then occurred to Seema that she needed a margarita and Robbie was occupied.

"I need a new poolboy," Seema said. Lori looked up from the book she was reading, evidently enjoying herself as Sean massaged her feet and Russell fed her chocolate covered strawberries.

"Every author should have at least two," Lori said. "Preferably one with an accent. Or rather two with an accent."

"I think I'll settle for someone who is close to my height," Seema said decisively. She snapped her fingers and suddenly, a handsome man in black leather and with piercing blue eyes appeared in front of her. "Hello, Tom. Long time no see. Ready to cruise?"

The man looked around. "Where am I?"

"It's a minivan. A mode of transportation common in the late twentieth century used to transport individuals from spot A to spot B. The average minivan consumed approximately one gallon of gasoline for every 18 miles driven," Seven of Nine began primly. "Contrast this with a Sport Utility Vehicle, which when driven across the flat plains of Texas served neither a sporting purpose nor provided anymore utility than a minivan except for-"

"Ack! Shut up!" Seema hurled her soapbox at Seven of Nine, promptly knocking the blond borg babe out. If Chakotay had looked crestfallen before, now he looked downright depressed. He got up and started to pester Robbie.

"How many miles to the Delta Quadrant again?" Chakotay asked.

"Light years! Not miles!" Robbie screeched. "And your branches are scratching me! Ow! And we're in some other weird galaxy. You've blown it, big guy! You should have waited for the Captain and now - Ack!"

The occupants of the van were thrown to and fro as Robbie expertly sverved to avoid crashing into a ship that looked curiously like a bowtie. Seema gulped. She had seen one of those things before. And it hadn't been a Good Thing (tm).

"You know, Lori, I don't like the sight of this," Seema said. She gestured at the window. "You know I hate conflict."

"Conflict is good for the soul," Jemima announced. "Get over it. Have an opinion once in a while - it will do you good."

"I'd rather have a margarita if you don't mind," Seema said. At that moment, Tom handed her a frozen strawberry margarita. "Wonderful."

Jemima frowned and muttered something about "selfish unnecessary indulgences and bad fanfic contests" before crouching on the floor to attend to Seven.

"I found a map!" Chakotay exclaimed. "It's not too late - if we take a left turn at the Rob Galaxy and head straight into the Reiner Cluster and dodge-"

"Shut up!" Everyone screamed. Chakotay sulked back into his chair, the leaves on his head fluttering as he shook in distress.

Lori sighed and turned to Seema. "I'm getting car sick. You ready to declare a truce and get on with the business of Real Life?"

"Yeah," Seema sighed. "It's been fun, but my Real Life officially restarts on Monday and as it is, I'm already way behind in email and I'm doing a great injustice to the feedback now movement. And oh yes, there is that matter of the categorization that I haven't started yet."

"True and the longer we stay here, eventually Jemima's going to get her way and the bodies are going to pile up," Lori said. "So, it's been fun, but it's getting crowded in the van and I'd really rather take apart a computer, install linux and court-martial Troi. Not in that order, of course."

Seema sighed in relief. Finally, she could surrender. The Blog Wars were good for creativity, but dear God, how much silliness could one author possibly conjure up over a long period of time? Apparently, quite a bit.

Lori extended a hand as the parrot chortled in the background.

"I AM YOUR FATHER, LUKE! I KID YOU NOT!" Earl cackled hysterically. "THE FORCE, WHERE IS THE FORCE?"
At that moment, a fighter zoomed by and then there was a loud noise and a shimmer of light and there were six people standing there. Jemima, Lori and Seema stared. Robbie put the minivan into park.

All of the new arrivals were relatively young and were wearing very, very tight clothing. Their hair color obviously came out of a bottle and the men seemed to prefer some kind of metal apparatus glued to their heads. The lone female was wearing a leather outfit that was zipped open to her chest.

"Um," Seema said. "Don't tell me... you got sent over here from..." Her jaw dropped as 80 million teenagers from across the galaxy suddenly appeared in the minivan screaming incoherently, some of them falling over themselves as they tried to touch the five young men.

Lori grabbed her head. "Ack! Clorox! I need the Clorox!"

Jemima frowned. "You're from..." she got no further as the female extended her hand.

"They call me Britney," the woman said silkily. "I see I've done it again. Hit me one more time, baby."

"Gladly," one of the men - the one with the horrible blond hair dye job - said and he did hit her. Britney cackled. "I'm surprised we're here again. The last time we went bye bye bye, it didn't matter as long as you loved me-"

"Wrong band, JC! Or Nick! Or Tom! Or Harry! Whatever your name is!" one of the other guys screeched. "We're Nsync and you should have known that! Dang it!"

Seema shook her head. "I've got a headach. A big headache. And all I want is some peace and quiet-"

"Never fear, I'm here!" a thin young lady suddenly materialized, bringing along a group of young 'uns with her. It was starting to get quite crowded in the minivan. Seema started to reconsider her stance on SUVs but then decided that she would stick to her guns on those silly useless vehicles.

"Liz!" Jemima exclaimed. "You're the one I'm trying to be more like!"

"Admirable," Liz said. "I'm here representing the Swiss Department of War. I'm merely here to observe the bloodshed, or lack thereof, and make sure the Geneva Conventions are observed."

"Geneva Conventions?" Seema asked. She tried to remember if Geneva Conventions were taught in business school, but all she could remember was that asset specifity in terms of coal mines could be a bad thing. Not a concept relevant to this particular situation.

"And this is Harry, Ron, Hermione and Snape is around here somewhere," Liz continued. "We travel everywhere together."

"I knew we should have done an intervention," Jemima grumbled. Seema didn't answer since she saw Chakotay drooling over Britney.

In the background, the parrot said, "CONFUSED AM I! BUT LISTEN YOU MUST!"

At that moment, the minivan was jolted by a powerful blast of something - Seema's technobabble translomatic had short-circuited when it had tried to translate the language of the 80 million screaming teenagers and so had been rendered useless.

"Tom!" Seema screamed. Both men - the Cruisin' one and the Drivin' one turned to face her. Seema pointed. "You, eyes straight ahead, and you, find me my angst bunny!"

Robbie threw the minivan into drive and once again, the black minivan was off.