Be careful what you wish for...

You just might get it.

Note Rant ahead. I'm thinking a lot about what happened on zendom, but I'm really, truly not directing this at any one person. If you still feel passionately about that discussion, please do not read further - my intention is not to provoke anyone.

The return of the smut debate flooded my inbox yesterday. People who were there during the first time already know how I feel about this issue. So, no need to rehash it here. Suffice it to say - YMMV.


So I'm not happy. That's to put it mildly. An HBR case didn't improve my mood much either, but that's another story entirely (Harvard Business School: Torturing Business Students for a Millenia). But what bugs me most about the debate is that we lost someone this time around, we lost someone that time around as well. Which I just don't get and it makes me miserable because I automatically 'miss' the people who leave and I feel bad, because deep down inside, I wonder if there is something I could have said or done to prevent that particular departure. I also worry about what a list's overall reputation would end up being in the wake of a heated argument.

A list I'm on had a really, really heated argument about a year or so ago and that was just bad. Feelings were badly hurt, things were said that would never be forgiven, and it definitely changed my attitudes towards a couple people whom, up to that point, I'd considered great fic resources. Now I wouldn't even dare to ask for help because I'm not sure what the fall out might be and it drives me deeper into lurkerdom because dang it, I'm a wimp and the last thing I want is a confrontation with anyone.

Call me dense (the HBR certainly would after seeing my dissertation on fasteners and attaching machines), but does an online discussion really matter so much that doors have to be slammed virtually at the slightest hint of disagreement?

The last time around, we agreed to disagree. So that's what I don't get. We're not talking a matter of life and death - and forgive me, because I'm about to sin, but it's *fandom* and *fanfic*. It's a good time for me, it's something I like to do and I spend valuable time in pursuit when I really should be spending more time doing other things. Like finding a life that doesn't revolve around an ISP. But in the end, when it comes to down to the wire - it's just *fandom* and it's just *fanfic*. No one is going to change their opinions, no one is going to change their minds about anything. The horse is dead, it's not getting up.

I understand that some things can be taken personally, that emails don't translate well online, especially among people who don't know each other well. I'm more inclined to tease my regular correspondents because they 'get' my sense of humor and I'm less likely to use that sense of humor on a list, because I figure that if I say the wrong thing, the door is going to be slammed virtually in my face.

The point is - zendom came about because people with strong opinions wanted a place to say it. It's not for the light of heart and when it comes right down to the philosophy of fandom and fanfic, opinions will vary depending on experiences and preferences. There's not much we can do about it unless we make the list invitation only. Which defeats the purpose for which Jemima formed it in the first place. If we wanted people who agreed with us, then we wouldn't have had open subscribership in the first place.

I guess my point is, I've been on a variety of lists for the last four years, and invariably, at some point, there is a public proclamation of departure and poof! It always comes in the wake of a storm, and maybe I'm just not sure why a virtual argument between people who don't know each other - who will probably never meet - is such a big deal.

Yeah, an argument with a friend would be devastating. When I think of my closest online friends and what would happen if I ever got into a tiff with them - well, that would be devastating. List arguing - no, not really. For the most part, I don't know the people on most of my lists that well and I don't have connections with them.

If someone loathes second person POV, that's fine. I don't agree, but it's not my mission in life to change that opinion. It's interesting to find out why someone doesn't care for a certain POV or whatever, but again, your mileage may vary. In the end, it matters most if you can see the other person's POV more clearly. But unfortunately, emotion gets in the way and lines are blurred even more between the issues and it's impossible to even see straight anymore.

In RL, you agree to disagree and you move on to the next topic. I'd like to suggest the same for lists. I'm not really sure how or why Virtual Life allows for behavior that wouldn't be permissible in RL - it's possible that anonymity has something to do with it, or maybe it's because 90 percent of the time, you haven't invested much in an online relationship so it doesn't matter. You just unsubscribe, and if you don't run around in the same fannish circles, you don't have to worry about 'seeing' each other again (though, I'm starting to realize that fandom is much, much smaller than I thought it was).

So, blame HBR for my bad mood. I'm not really sure I should even say this in public, but I'm curious as to how people take something so personally when not enough information even exists to make something personal.

And my apologies for saying "It's only fandom." I look at what's going on in the world around us and the fact that there are countries that are literally at war and it boggles my mind that fannish issues can take on such monumental importance. Not that I won't argue them myself, believe me, but in the end, I'm not sure that I have the passion necessary to go on about it either.

I apologize to anyone I may have offended. It's not personal.