Smurf This

Yet another edition in the ongoing Blog Wars

Seema was getting sick of the smurfs. She wanted them all to go away. She also wanted Richard and Em to go away, but given that Christine had yet to make a ruling on whether this dynamic duo was alive or dead, the Zen Resort management felt a little guilty and was still putting them up. Then there was Chakotay, who had managed to unroot himself and go chasing after Dr. Who, and Buffy was making eyes at Seven - it was enough to make a girl's head spin.

Seema signalled her poolboy, Robbie, for another margarita. Lately, margaritas and Ben & Jerry's were making all of the keruffles go down much better. She watched as Jemima and Lori took a walk along the beach. Apparently, there was a dessert island out there and while Seema was mildly curious about what a dessert island looked like, she decided to sit back and enjoy herself...

Until the smurfs started squabbling.

"He took my hairbrush!" Smurfette weeped as she pointed at Papa Smurf.

"I did not!" Papa Smurf said with indignation.

"Give it back!" Smurfette sobbed.

Seema closed her eyes, hoping they would all go away. But a second later, she opened her eyes to hear more shouting. Apparently, Chakotay was going after Hermione, one of the minions in Liz Barr's entourage of wizards.

"We have laws against this!" Christine bellowed. "You, sir, are too old for Hermione. Find someone your own age to pick on!"

"But she has tamed the angry warrior," Chakotay said reasonably. Hermione tapped her wand on her hand, looking vaguely pleased with herself. "I can't live without Hermione. She is my one true love."

"I thought you loved me," Em whined.

"His definition of love is flawed," Seven chimed in. "He confessed he wanted to be within transporter distance of me and yet, at a moment's notice, he has pursuing other females."

"I love you, Seven!" Chakotay fell to his knees, his hands pressed to his heart. "I don't know what came over me. It has been such a strange experience and I hope you can forgive me. You are my one true love."

"I thought I was your one true love," Hermione pouted.

"No, no." A petite red-head made her way to the front of the crowd, flashing an FBI badge at everyone. "I'm Special Agent Dana Scully. Now, I hear rumors of one true love..."

"Doesn't exist, Scully." A tall man joined her. "Special Agent Mulder. Love is a myth, a force of attraction that completely dispels logic and intelligence. It also leads to incoherence and rambling. The same symptoms of madness, you might say."

"That's so romantic," Em whispered.

"He's mine!" Hermione pulled on Chakotay's arm.

"No, he's mine!" Seven grabbed his other arm.

Seema lost her patience. All she wanted was some time in the sun with her statistics books and these people kept intruding, dang it.

"There is NO SUCH THING AS ONE TRUE LOVE!" Seema screamed. Everyone suddenly became very quiet and looked at Seema in shock.

Christine cackled. "You know, I'd pay good money if you'd-"

"I want all of you people gone! Gone!" Seema yelled. She grabbed Hermione's wand, waved it around a little recklessly, and poof, they were all gone. "Whew, I feel better already."

"Um, Seema, there could be legal ramifications," Christine ventured slowly. Seema pointed the wand at her.

"I think I'm going to hunt smurfs," Seema said. "I know there has to be a few more around here and dang it, they're starting to tick me off."

With margarita in hand and poolboy at side, Seema went off in search of smurfs. She was about halfway down the beach when a giant truck pulled up. A burly man jumped out.

"You order a bunch of t-shirts?" he asked.

"Yes, a few."

The man pulled out some boxes. Seema took a look. The first t-shirt read "Be Like Liz." Seema nodded approvingly; a very good credo to have. The second shirt read "I *know* you're plagiarizing me." The third shirt read "All for One and One For All." All of the shirts were bright yellow with black lettering.

Seema signalled for the poolboys to carry the shirts back to the Zen resort. She found the others inside the tent and handed them each a t-shirt.

"Are you calm now?" Lori asked. Even Jemima looked slightly afraid. Liz Barr, looking plenty apathetic, with chocolate and her newest poolboy, Hawkeye, didn't even blink. Christine, meanwhile, was doing a funky dance.

"Yes, especially since I've contacted the Swiss Department of War," Seema said. Liz sat straight up.

"What?" she asked in a dangerous voice.

"We're going to have a treaty," Seema announced. "Don't worry, you can all propose your own loopholes, but I think it's time we made a few things perfectly clear."

Christine whipped out her pen; being the lawyer in the group meant she got to redline all new proposals, contracts and treaties.

"The first stipulation is that the current Blog War hostilities must not go beyond the Zen Resort," Seema announced. "All hostilities are confined to those participants who initially began this war back in December or January. I lose track. Anyone who engages hostilities with a third-party must have dinner with Richard and Em."

"That's just cruel!" Lori exclaimed.

"They're dead, aren't they?" Jemima asked.

Christine shook her head. "No legal ruling there yet. Anything else?"

Seema nodded. She loved having all this attention. Sometimes, it felt really good to put her foot down. "All third parties MUST contact the Swiss Department of War before engaging in hostilities. I have no time for border clashes. All declarations of war must be submitted in triplicate and in seven languages between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm to the Military Attache for Switzerland. Grammar, punctuation and correct spelling are not optional in order for an Application to Engage in Hostilities to be considered."

"I agree." Liz raised her glass.

Seema was about to state another bullet point when there was a loud noise outside. Jemima bolted to check.

"It's a bunch of reporters," Jemima said. She sighed. "Thanks a lot, Seema. You got rid of the smurfs, but now the White House Press Corps wants to know all about it."

Seema just smiled and helped herself to some chocolate-covered strawberries. Her work here was done.