Letter from Cote D'Ivoire

I MSTed this some time ago and thought I'd share it with y'all.

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FROM THE DESK OF MR.OUATTARA MOHAMMED

Oooh, letterhead....

BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER
FOREIGN REMMITTANCE DEPT.
BANQUE INTERNATIONALE DU ABIDJAN
ABIDJAN, COTE D,IVOIRE

Cote D'Ivoire? I was expecting a letter from Nigeria, but okay.

Dear friend.

Dear Mohammed, (can I call you Mohammed?)

With due respect and huminity, I write to you this proposal.I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of Banque Internationale du Abidjan.

Oooh, a foreign email. I've never gotten one of those before. I'll be sure to mark Abidjan on my map of the world. I like to track where my emails come from, you see, and sometimes it's really hard because the viagra people and the porn people never tell me their names and refuse to tell me where they are. So I appreciate you being so up front and honest with me from the get-go. I can tell we're going to have a beautiful relationship.

I am writing following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who run a consultancy firm in your country.

::blush:: You're entirely too kind. I have no idea which of my many, many friends in this great, big country of mine gave you my name and so I'm not quite sure what they told you. I should tell you that my special talent is touching my nose with tongue and bending my fingers backwards past the 90-degree line. I should mention that I'm a terrible accountant and I single-handedly brought down Enron, WorldCom and Adelphia. I'm sure a few other companies will come to light in the next few days. But be assured that I have a good heart and my intentions are always positive.

He assured me of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.

I'd love to have the opportunity. As you might know, I'm recently unemployed and the job market here is a little shaky. I'm looking for any kind of business experience, the more illegal and lame the better. In fact, I'd love to get some experience in pyramid email schemes. Is this something you can help me out with? I hear if you send $1 to 5 people you can get $1 million in less than two months. That's a great return on investment. You can do the math.

In my department, we discovered an abandoned sum of U.S$17m US dollars (seventeen millionUS dollars) .

You know, it occurs to me that there are entirely too many "abandoned sums" of US dollars just lying around in African countries. What is up with that? I think the lesson to be learned here is that it may be dangerous to bank overseas because invariably, you end up dead or missing or overthrown from your position of leadership.

In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in november 1997 in a plane crash.

My deepest sympathy to the family of your foreign customer. Where are the survivors buried, by the way?

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come forward and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines and policies but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claims.

What a tragedy. How terrible. I'm completely verklemped by this news. You'll have to excuse me while I take a walk and recover myself. As my friend may have mentioned to you, I'm a sensitive individual with quite fragile nerves. I'm inclined to nervous breakdowns on a regular basis, usually between 3 to 4 times an hour. Occasionally, I feel the need to run in circles while screaming "Beam me up, Scotty!" Perhaps you have some advanced treatment in the Cote D'Ivoire for this condition? I keep looking at my email every day hoping for some kind of cure, but unfortunately, I've only attracted the attention of the viagra people and occasionally, the "natural growth hormone" dudes. Do you know anyone who can send me the approriate spam on this issue?

It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the
deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming forth and we don’t want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

Who is Bill? Do I need to know anything about this foreign customer before you release this money to me? Will there be a pop quiz? What happens if not all the relatives are dead? Do I have to give the money back? Also, what language do you speak in the Cote D'Ivoire? What's your religion? Are you married? Do you have children? What's your middle name? Do you like your job? Forgive my presumption, but really, if we're going to embark on a glorious and profitable venture together, I need more information. I've already shared some important personal details about myself with you. How about a tit-for-tat?

According to our Banking policies and guideline here which stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will automatically be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner an Ivorian,that someone from ivory coast here cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

Hmmm... tricky that. I see the problem. But, riddle me this, Batman, what if someone from the Cote D'Ivoire became say, a French citizen and still had family left behind? Wouldn't that take care of the problem? And by the way, you never mentioned what country this foreign customer was from. Do you have very liberal banking laws in Cote D'Ivoire? Are you the next Switzerland? I'm just curious because when I get my first million in the pyramid email scheme, I'll need somewhere to deposit it. Any advice? You seem to be particularly good with financials and as I've indicated, my accounting skills leave much to be desired.

We agree that 25 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 %will be for reimbursement of any expenses incured during the curse of the transaction and 65 % would be for me and my colleagues.

Whoa there, big boy. Who are the "we" you indicate? I thought I was dealing with you and only you. I need some clarification on the subject before I feel confident enough to proceed. After all, *you* are the
one I'm involved with, you're the one who contacted me. I feel like we're best friends and this 'we' you mention is ambigious. I don't like the sound of it. I'd also like to see a copy of this contract in writing, preferably in triplicate. And while I'm making demands, I'd prefer a 45 percent of the cut.

There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Oh, so we're going to meet? Wow. I'm just so underwhelmed. So how many partners are we talking about? Hmmm? I know, I know, details shmetails. And when do you plan to be here? And do you know where I am? You know, those CDs you can buy with email addresses on them don't specify country. So I'm curious to know how you know where to come - you must be really good at this scamming thing! But don't worry - I'll be waiting for you at the airport with open arms this Friday at 9 am. Don't be late!

Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number,
your private telephone and fax number for easier and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted .

Did I mention that I was unemployed? I'm afraid you'll have to call me. I don't know how much it costs to fax this all to the Cote D'Ivoire but I'm pretty sure it's about as much as I spend on groceries in a week. Can I call you collect?

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of
fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer .

I love to hear "hitch free"! Just the other day, I got something in the mail that promised me a free cruise from Orlando to Mexico but then it turned out that I had to buy 6 nights and 7 days in a luxury hotel. Then there was this airline ticket I got. It was free as long as I could find someone to fly to Mongolia with me. I won't even tell you how disappointed I was to find out that my guided tour of Afghanistan fell through after I found out I'd have to bring my own artillery and hire my own warlord for protection.

You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.

As requested, I'm writing back to you. Hopefully you find me as fascinating as I find you. I'd love to
have something to remember you by. Pixels are so fleeting and the delete key has a way of working overtime on emails like this. Please, please, write to me as soon as possible. I'll be waiting by my inbox for your prompt and entirely trustworthy response.

Trusting to hear from you immediately.

And the same from me. Be well. I'm eager to proceed as I know you want to get your dirty paws all
over this money. I am eagerly waiting for your next email. Please don't be late. As I mentioned before, I'm in a delicate condition and require fastidiousness from the people I deal with. And oh yes, minor detail, but I'm a little nitpicky about grammar and punctuation. But no worries. We can work on that in the future. I'm sure we have a long, beautiful and fruitful relationship in front of us.

Your’s faithfully,
FROM THE DESK OF MR.OUATTARA MOHAMMED

Your name is poetry to my ears. Smooches.

BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
FOREIGN REMMITTANCE DEPT

PS: This doesn't have anything to do with accounting, does it?