Look what I found!

I don't know what this is or where it was going, but y'all can ruminate on it, if you'd like. I even sense that this might even have parts that were eventually plagerized for other fics - if you can plagerize your own work. So it's rough, and probably not spellchecked - and telltale **** for "put something here when you think of it" as well marks. Read at your own risk

****

Debris. Everywhere. Scattered over thousands of kilometers.

Kathryn Janeway could not look away. She stood in the middle of the bridge, hands on her hips, as she surveyed the destruction.

She knew everyone else had seen what she had: the one large chunk of hull plating, marked clearly with *****.

Deep breaths, Kathryn, deep breaths.

And she looked away, aware of the six sets of eyes trained on her, all of them waiting to hear what she had to say.

"We're sure?" she asked quietly. "This is our shuttle?"

More silence and then Harry Kim spoke from the back.

"The hull markings are consistent," he said in a hoarse voice.

"As is the ion warp trail," Tuvok put in.

Janeway looked at Chakotay and then at Tom. Chakotay remained seated, his hands gripping the armrests of his chair tightly. Tom stared straight ahead at the viewscreen.

And even though she knew her request was futile, she couldn't help but turn to Tuvok and ask, "Survivors?"

"Doubtful," Tuvok responded. "But I will scan."

"How about the escape pod?" the Captain demanded.

"Here," Harry said. The viewscreen flashed the remains of the pod. Janeway's shoulders visibly drooped.

"Start the salvage operation," she said in a low voice to Chakotay. "Harry, contact the Volente for me, please. I'll be in my Ready Room."

Safe inside the privacy of her Ready Room, Kathryn Janeway swallowed hard; the lump in her throat was growing larger by the second. She brushed the back of her hand across her eyes and then gave up trying to stop the tears. After a few moments, she settled into her chair, twirling around to face the windows.

Volente, class-M planet, the first they had seen in months. Chakotay had suggested shoreleave, and she had agreed. Fresh air - that was something they were all in desperate need of. B'Elanna had mentioned that dilithium reserves were low and the Volente had offered to help with a survey mission over in the next sector.

"We'll rendezvous in two weeks," Janeway had said as B'Elanna had boarded the shuttle. B'Elanna had nodded.

"See you then, Captain," she had said.

And if Janeway recalled correctly, B'Elanna had even smiled briefly back at her.

"Kathryn."

Janeway turned around. Chakotay stood just centimeters away from the door. He was holding a PADD in his hand.

"Initial scans," he said. "I- I thought you would want to see these."

"Has Harry been able to raise the Volente government?"

Janeway made no move to take the PADD from Chakotay. Chakotay stepped forward and placed the PADD on the desk. Janeway did not look at it and instead, turned to stare out the window.

"He's still trying," Chakotay said. "There seems to be a communications blockout of some kind."

"Hmmm."

"Kathryn, about the memorial service -"

"I'm not ready to talk about that." Janeway stood up.
"Coffee?"

"No, I'm - I'm not thirsty."

"It has nothing to do with thirst, Chakotay."

"You think I don't know that?" Chakotay's voice was low, rough. "Captain, my friend was on that shuttle."

Janeway sighed. How long had she been trying to avoid thinking about B'Elanna? Even when she saw the debris, she hadn't thought - hadn't even considered the possibility - that B'Elanna was dead. After all, B'Elanna was, well, B'Elanna. Tough, fiesty, unbelievably strong.

Kathryn Janeway found it hard to believe that B'Elanna could meet her end in something as ordinary as a shuttle explosion.

"B'Elanna never gave any indication that something was wrong," the Captain said. "I mean, we talked to her two hours ago. She didn't say a word."

"Maybe she didn't know."

"She must have known. Explosions just don't happen."

"Yes, they do, Kathryn."

Janeway turned back to face Chakotay. She leaned forward on the desk, putting all of her weight on her palms.

"I want to know what happened," she said quietly. "I need answers."

"You'll have them." Chakotay pushed the PADD towards her. "Start here."

"You've read it?"

"Of course."

Janeway bit her lip, inhaled deeply, and then exhaled slowly.

"I shouldn't have let her go," she said. "I should have known better."

She waited for Chakotay to disagree with her, but he simply turned around. At the door, he said, "I'll have Harry continue trying to raise the Volente."

"Thank you," she said.

And she continued to stare at the stars.

****

He didn't bother turning on the lights. Illumination would only remind him of what he no longer had and for the first time in his life, Tom Paris felt the loss in every cell of his body. He lay on the sofa, hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He felt cold, but didn't have the energy to get the blanket off the bed.

"I can't believe you'd rather go look for dilithium than spend time together," he had said as B'Elanna packed her bag. "We haven't been off this ship in months. Reconsider, B'Elanna."

She hadn't even looked up.

"We need the dilithium," she had said. Tom had caught her hand in his.

"Then cut the trip short."

"Tom, please," she had said. "Look, I'll be back in two weeks. We can make plans then. The Volente know this sector well. I can't pass up the opportunity to have them guide me."

"Think about the beaches." Tom had used his best seductive voice on her, but B'Elanna hadn't even reacted. Instead, she had cupped his cheek with her palm, leaned in for a soft kiss, and then left. And Tom hadn't bothered to accompany her to the shuttlebay.

And when he and Harry went hiking in the Volente mountains, he had convinced himself that he liked this time without B'Elanna, even expressed the thought out-loud to Harry. Harry had laughed.

"Don't tell B'Elanna you think I'm a good substitute for her company," Harry had said. "That could be a painful admission - for both of us."

Tom had laughed uneasily, thinking that lately he had spent more time with Harry than B'Elanna, simply because B'Elanna was angry with him all of the time.

"When she comes back, we need to talk," Tom had said as he hauled out his water bottle. "I need to know where we stand. Sometimes, I wonder if it's even worth it."

"You know it is, Tom."

"Then why would she do this to me?"

"We need dilithium. No dilithium means we get to live in the Delta Quadrant forever."

They had reached a ridge overlooking the valley. Below, a river sparkled in a hazy gray light. Lovely scene, romantic too, and he was here with Harry. Tom had snorted in disgust and turned to continue back up the path.

In his quarters, Tom inhaled deeply.

"Computer, locate Lieutenant Torres."

"Lieutenant Torres is not onboard."

Tom closed his eyes.