The Tao of Meta

Is anyone else really, really tired of their blog? I rarely make the blog rounds any more - a few months ago, there was so many interesting discussions happening and even if I wasn't part of the fandom being discussed, I still gleaned some important insights into what was going on in fandom in general. It was fun. Great discussions, terrific comments, intelligent and wittiness all around, and lots of nodding in agreement. And now, it's work. It feels like work. Keeping up the blog, keeping up the meta, making the rounds. Lots of work. Not sure whether the "work" is worth the return on investment anymore. If there even is an ROI.

When I first started this blog on my birthday way back in 2001, I didn't know anyone else who had a blog. Didn't even really know what it was except for the fact the Kid Brother thought it was cool and I should get one. So I wrote about stuff. Nothing related to fandom. Just stuff. And somewhere along the line, other LJs and blogs popped up and there was this pressure - real or perceived - that if you're a ficcer, you meta. You don't talk about what you ate for breakfast, no, you analyze every single detail of every single minute of the show from the previous night. Or fic. Or why we do the things we do and how can we stop/start doing the things we do, ad nauseum.

Frankly, the more I think about why I do what I do, the more uncreative I get and the more annoyed I get with my blog. Because I have one. More people read this page more than they read my fic, so I feel like I've got to put something here that people will want to read because for some reason, Real!Seema is more interesting than Ficcer!Seema and so somehow, I've got to tie the two in together and maybe someone will get interested and want to read said fic? And then I get all sad when I go without comments because obviously I haven't said anything important that anyone wants to respond to. Ah the pressure of being a good fan girl.

The truth is, meta exhausts me and I don't think I want to do it anymore.

Granted, I'm going meta here, and I went meta below in the ff.net entry, but honestly, I haven't got anything more to discuss or add to what's already been said either in a blog or on zendom. Part of it is because I belong to a fandom that's no longer on air and the newest franchise, Enterprise, is not enticing enough (yet) to get the muse to come out and play. The canon of Trek is starting to fade in memory and it takes more work to go look things up and I'm making mistakes I wouldn't have made a few years back. It's not so much as I don't care as it is brain fatigue of some kind - that I've overdosed on fandom in the last two years and I need to curl up and contemplate re-entry. The other part is the burnout, which is very real and almost terrifying to me right now. Hints of it have been around all summer, but the more I'm in fandom, the more I want out. I'm spending much more time on RL things right now than on fandom things. I'm not really reading much fic anymore even though I should be, I'm not really writing even though theoretically as a good fan I should be, and I'm not hitting all the Trek-related sites with the same intensity I used to.

Part of it is because I need to find a job so I can support myself in the style I'm accustomed come May and fun as fandom is, meta and ficcing don't pay the bills. So I spend much time looking for a job when I'm online. Or researching to update various cases I'm working on and then writing up the addendums. I'm not even responding email as quickly as I used to because these days, the choices are coming down to being a Good Fan or hanging out with friends. In other words, I've discovered RL again and I'm finding that I like it. A lot.