Once Upon A Paleo Time...

Previously on the Blog Wars

The Mod Squad had made themselves perfectly comfortable in their respective lawnchairs surrounding the Zen Resort's pool. Of course, the omnipresent poolboys were around, catering to the Mod Squad's every need. For once, all was well in the Zen Resort and the Mod Squad was content to take a break from the One True Blog War once again.

"Ah, this is the life, isn't it?" Lori asked as Sean fanned her.

"It's perfect," Seema said. She looked around, frowning. "Where did all the smurfs go?"

"I don't know," Jemima answered from her lawnchair, "but can't say I miss all of those little blue things underfoot."

"Hey! Cut it out!" Liz growled. "Can't you see I'm talking to the muse?"

Indeed, a bunch of black-dressed people in swirling caps surrounded Liz. Any minute now, this particular delegation with their fly-away wands would declare themselves Swiss and start eating chocolates by the kilo.

"Hey, anyone seen Christine around lately?" Lori asked sotto voce as not to bother Liz.

"I think she's busy being a lawyer," Jemima answered. "Good thing. Fandom could use a lawyer or
two."

Seema agreed. To use a down-home expression, things could get downright prickly in unpleasant places at times in fandom. Luckily, nothing had hit the fan in the last three minutes, so the Mod Squad was taking a break and enjoying beverages of their preference.

Just then, Christine came running in, waving a thick sheaf of paper at the others.

"I hope she doesn't want us to read all of that," Lori said.

"I'm not filking that," Jemima said darkly.

"If it doesn't involve statistics, I want nothing to do with it," Seema said.

"Oh be quiet," Christine said as she dropped in her chair, which had been empty for the last couple weeks while Christine was off being productive instead of lounging by the pool with the rest of the Mod Squad. "We've got trouble."

"What's new?" Seema asked. "We've always got trouble. Fandom's like high school, remember?"

"Is this going to be over before the Smallville premiere?" Lori asked.

"Not likely," Jemima said. She glanced at Christine. "What's the verdict, counselor?"

"Unfortunately, troops, the cease fire is over," Christine answered importantly. "We've had a new development."

"Snape and Lily have been accepted as the One True Pairing?" Liz asked hopefully.

"Is this the One True Blog War?" Seema asked. "Because I really don't have time to fight all of the other Blog Wars that seem to spring up all over fandom."

"Badfic has been outlawed?" Lori asked.

"All fanfic must now have a wedding in them in order to qualify as fanfic?" Jemima queried.

"No," Christine said in exasperation. "But I see that there is potential for conflict in the future and I think it's best that we all sign agreements now to never declare war on each other. You can all just sign here on the dotted line."

"Uh," Seema said, "I know I'm not the lawyer but haven't we spent the good part of last year declaring war on each other for one reason or another?"

"I refuse to sign," Jemima said with conviction. The other Mod Squad members nodded.

"Signing that paper is akin to communism!" exclaimed a voice from behind the bushes. The Mod Squaders looked at each other; were the smurfs back? The Sweet Valley High Twins? Chakotay and his (very much contested) One True Love, Seven of Nine? The gang from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? The Baywatchers? Aie, aie, aie. It was enough to make a girl's head spin. How to keep up with the new developments? How to make sense of the incomprehensible? It was fandom, apparently, but not as the Mod Squad knew it.

"Did someone say 'communism'?" Liz asked suspiciously. Immediately, the Mod Squad pulled out their textbooks (with the exception of Jemima, who donned a black academic gown). It was time to give the Zen Resort a lecture on communism, socialism, nationalism, capitalism, and facism - but before the Mod Squad could begin, a whole hoarde of dinosaurs appeared on the horizon.

"Welcome to the Paleolithic era," Jemima said in a very authoritative voice.

"Uh, should there be dinosaurs here?" Seema asked Lori. But Lori was too busy getting a foot massage from Sean and didn't answer.

"Actually, they are Really Large Rodents," Jemima said. "Still inaccurate, but sufficient for our purposes."

"We have a purpose?" Lori said, looking up from her foot massage. "I thought we just came here to hang out, occasionally incite a riot whenever things got too hot."

"But Christine does have a point, doesn't she?" Liz looked worried. "We've been doing well so far, but isn't there a possibility, given the viccissitudes of fandom, that we'll consider each other enemies?"

"Nah, the Section will never allow it," Lori said. "Sean, get me another whatever it I was drinking."

"Yeah, the Section has a way of getting people to behave," Seema said. "They've got creepy, crawly virus things. I wouldn't mess with the Section."

Liz nodded. "Plus, being Swiss and all, I can't just got about signing things just like that. I need to get at least 80 million bankers to take a look at it."

"And I believe firmly in plain, yellow websites," Jemima said firmly. A bunch of smurfs applauded. "Can't we do something worthwhile, perhaps declare war on pop-ups?"

"People, we have business to do here!" Christine exclaimed impatiently. But by now, Lori had turned her attention back to Sean, Liz was communing with her entourage, Jemima had found a new musical she hadn't yet filked and Seema was off searching for her statistics textbook. Christine sighed. So much for getting the Mod Squad to sign off on their friendship on the dotted line; they would just have to take it on faith that they were in it for the long haul - whatever that means in fandom. "Fine! Be that way! I'm just trying to preserve a way of life here! Hmmmp! Ingrates, all of you!"

"Though," Seema said slowly, "fandom has a way of turning people against each other inexplicably. What is that saying, 'my enemy's enemy is my friend.'"

"I like friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything," Lori said thoughtfully. "That Muhammed Ali is a wise man."

The Mod Squad got all teary-eyed as they looked at each other.

"Group hug?" Seema asked weepily.

The rest of the group, being verklemped, said nothing as they all collectively dropped the beverages of their choice and hugged.

"So, war on pop-ups it is?" Christine asked finally as she wiped unshed tears from her eyes.

By a vote of five to zero, so it was passed and war was declared.

All the Mod Squad returned to their chairs. All's well that ends well.