For Victoria...

Okay, so maybe not so much for Victoria, but her "why aren't you people updating?" question sparked me into action and I can't think of a better title at the moment. So, sort of for Victoria and hopefully a little amusing as she's at work, I'm at work and I guess we just need to be amused (especially since I can hear the new health product corporate broadcast down the hall... gak). Anyway...

I've started to compile my thoughts on fic about a million times in the last few hours and everything comes out whiney and y'all don't want to read me whine about anything. But I think it's this whole burnout thing going on with a slight tinge of resentment mixed with obligation. Seriously. I was thinking about it in-depth today when I really should have been updating the database and I was wondering if I owed fandom anything and if I didn't, why do I feel that I do?

On the flip side, if I walked away from fandom today, seriously would it be such a loss? And I'm asking really seriously. Because there are so many other authors out there who have new, fresh, innovative ways of looking at fic and characters and fandom needs new blood - maybe that's where the 'spirit' to write comes from - when you see someone reveal a vision that's so radically different from yours and what you've read in the past, that you're pulled back into that universe.

If I did 'go,' where would I go? This is the question de jour. It's not like I've taken up with another fandom. No, it's merely a realization that 2001 was a terrific writing year for me. Don't think I can top it. Don't know if I want to try. And so where do I go from here? Another fandom where I start all over again? Do I keep trying to get 'better' at Trek, and that's provided I was even good to begin with?

And this isn't a rant on insecurity, not at all. It's more of a, "Okay, I think I've done what I set out to do. What's next?" And that's the thing. I can't see the next thing and I envy people who do. I envy people who can jump from fandom to fandom, keep it fresh and exciting, and manage all of that canon and fanon in their heads - how do you do it? I envy people who haven't turned into BOFQs - I've been denying it up until now, but I think I am slightly BOFQ. It started when they killed Jadzia and I felt the need to resurrect her in 80 million different ways.

I don't feel like I have anyone to resurrect anymore. I don't want to have to resurrect anything. I don't want to a write a story that isn't mine. You laugh, but it happens - yes, you find yourself writing things and later, you look at it and it's like, "Oh my God, why did I do that?" And you realize you're just going with the flow because that's what is acceptable behavior. If anything, this may turn out to be the Year that Seema Officially Goes Odd Pairing or generally, just odd.

So I'm contemplating the state of things and thinking that it won't last long - these moods of mine never do. I always come back stronger than ever and I'm too attached to Trek to ever go to far away; besides, who would want me anyway?

****

Etiquette dinner. Lovely last night. Sponsored by the Graduate Women in Business and afterwards, I realized that I've been raised by wolves. Absolutely no question about it. For instance, I've been doing the napkin thing all wrong (proper pronouciation in these here parts 'nepken') - you actually wait until the host picks up the napkin before you do. And then there is the etiquette of putting the napkin on your lap - fold it in half, with the half pointed at you, but do this all underneath the table. Apparently, hanging one's purse on the back of a chair is a no-no as well - purses go on laps, beneath said folded napkins. Also, you don't eat those tomatos in the house salad - silly me - I thought you did, but proper etiqutte deems that you don't eat them unless you're looking for a goopy challenge.

And then there is Continental and American styles of using tableware - I'm Continental. The American way is too slow for me (cut bruschetta in half, put knife down in the proper position on the top of the plate, scoop bruschetta onto fork, eat, pick up knife and repeat...). In Continental, you're practically in the ready position at all times, with fork and knife in hands (apparently, you do not put these utensils down once you pick up - which looked kind of dopey when we were waiting for our courses and we were literally en garde with our silverware). Plus, in Continental style dining, you can stab your food, which trust me, you appreciate after trying to scoop lettuce.

Hmmm, other things. You blot your lips with your napkin. Never wipe your mouth with it. Place your silverware in the 10-4 position so that the waiters know you're done. When passing bread, first offer it to the person on your left and then take the bread yourself before passing it on to the right. Apparently, you cannot just toss salt and pepper across a table either. You have to pass it from person to person and mind you, it's very rude to season your own food with said salt and pepper if you're in mid-pass. And oh yes, if someone says "Please pass the salt," you're suppose to pass both the salt and pepper, not just the salt.

There may have been more rules, but these are the ones I remember off the top of my head. But if any of you have questions, I have a whole notebook now devoted to how to eat like a big girl.

***

Found the link to the Voyager Fanfic Feedback Forum in my bookmarks (on my work computer, no less!) and was poking around there and found their review of "Comfort" - which was my first ever VOY story and was beta'd by RL friend and member of my writing group, Rebecca. Weird. Hadn't thought about that story literally since it was posted to ASC. More of one of those "Ohmigod, I can't believe I wrote that..." But then I feel that way about 85 percent of my stories. But the review cheered me greatly though, even if it is two years old. I wish those folks were still around. As far as honest reviews, they were the best site that came around, but unfortunately, they disappeared way too quickly.Tough job though, that review business. I can't even read the fic I want to read, let alone review every VOY fic posted to ASC - yes, that project did have burnout written all over it. But still, it was nice while it lasted...