No matter how much time has passed since you've last been to the salon, inevitably whoever is working on you will say something like, "Been long time, huh?" I could have come in two days ago and they would say, "It's been too long since you've have your eyebrows taken care of."

Not only that, whoever worked on you last? Complete moron. Should have been reported to the Cosmetology Institute already for bad, bad, bad eyebrow work. You can always hear the horror in the beautician's voice when they realize just how long you've been running around with those awful eyebrows in public:

"Who did that to your eyebrows? And when was this done? Two months ago? This is terrible! Terrible! You should always come to me! Tsk, tsk. I don't know if I can fix this. Okay, I do my best, but from now on, you come to me and only me."

Same thing with hair. Now, I'm all about the $4.99 haircuts -- have had two of them in the last 6 months and I honestly see no difference between that and the haircuts I've paid $45-$60 for (yes, yes, I'm ashamed but now, now I'm reformed!). But my favorite moment was when the person who had given me my previous haircut took a look at my now shaggy locks and said, "Whoever did this doesn't know your hair type. I know it. You should come to me from now on and no one else. Call me at home if you have an emergency."

Do people really have hair emergencies? My hair emergencies are solved by a rubberband, a barrette, and two bobby pins.

In no universe -- alternate, mirror, or otherwise -- can I even fathom calling a hairdresser at home for an emergency. How would that phone call go?

"My hair... it just-- it just collapsed! I think it had a humidity attack! Help!"

I'm now having visions of David (pompous hairdresser who insists he's the best guy for the job but invariably messes it up to the point that me, a person who really isn't picky about what she looks like, usually has to go back to the salon for a do-over) driving up in his SUV with some kind of red-blue-white siren going on, screaming, "I've got a hair emergency! Let me through!"

Okay, so I'm amused. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.