In which I respond to yet another spammer

--- Elizabeth Mulumba wrote:

> STRICKLY CONFIDENTIAL
> Dear Friend

Hi! I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling already -- it's very rare that I get such a personal and delightful salutation.

> Permit me to acquaint you with this proposal for the
> purpose of investment in your country.

I'm excited to hear this. As you might know, our country has a per capita GDP of $37,700 so it makes investment very profitable.

>This is my
> second mail to you,

Hmmm, I don't recall seeing an email with your name on it before. Are you a spammer perhaps? Or are you Mrs. Seko Seko? Mrs. Seko Seko sounds like she's in a heap of trouble with Nigerian authorities over the money issue and I'm very concerned about her. Do you know her? If so, please let her know that I'm concerned and am waiting to hear from her.

>I know this letter may come to
> you
> as a surprise since we have not met before.

But what a pleasant surprise it is!

>I got
> your
> contact from a searched I conducted in the local
> Internet network.

Excellent. I'm so glad you found me specifically, knowing that that there are approximately 500 million people online. I feel very privilleged to be chosen to make your aquaintance.

> My name is Elizabeth Mulumba, daughter of late Mr.
> Michael Mulumba.

My condolences on your father's passing. It must be very difficult for you to have to act on such business transactions in your time of grief. You are a very brave and courageous young woman.

>My father until his death was the
> Director of Gold/Diamond Mining field of Kono
> District
> in Margibi.

You must have been very proud. It sounds like a prestigious position. However, I could find no mention of your father in google, only copies of this letter -- which makes me think I have been deceived and you are sending this email to many, many people. However, I assure you of my fidelity and my ability to keep this email strickly confidential. You may cease sending this email to others and perhaps, give those names to Mrs. Seko Seko who is evidently in dire straits and deserving of assistance.

> Before his death in a private hospital
> in
> Monrovia, he disclosed to me the reason he was
> poisoned by his business associates

I'm profoundly dismayed to hear this. Have you reported this death to your local authorities? I assure you, while I am sympathetic, I have no background in law enforcement (other than when the police came to my place to break up a large party involving alcohol and loud music; noise travels very well when you live in a double-wide trailer with a corrugated tin roof).

> and that he even
> suspect President Charles Taylor been involved.

President Taylor is very busy, isn't he? If I understand news reports properly, he also has a rebellion on his hands and President Bush is making him leave Monrovia. So Taylor must be busy packing as well. Do you suppose he'll have a garage sale? The youngest of my seven children vomited on our living room sofa and I'm in need of a replacement. I hear Liberia has gorgeous furniture. Do you have a friend who might be able to put me in touch with a furniture expert?

>He
> revealed to me of a consignment containing
> US$23,500.00 (Twenty Three Million Five Hundred
> Thousand United State Dollars) he deposited in a
> private finance company Abroad for safety purpose
> since there was war in our
> country. He explained further that he declared the
> consignment as a family
> treasure and artifact to the finance company to
> avoid them raising eyebrows;

I'm glad to hear that your father is so considerate; raising eyebrows can be a painful process, sometimes taking as long as 18 years before one is free of the eyebrows (but then, one also has to send the eyebrow to college, which is very expensive, not to mention the emotional angst of having a dearly loved eyebrow living away from one's face). Kudos to your father for avoiding such expenses.

> hence they do not know the content of the
> consignment.
> He also directed me where he kept the deposit
> certificate and agreement reached with the finance
> company.

You and your father must be very close. I'm always thrilled to hear when fathers and daughters are close.

> He advised that I should leave in the event
> of his death immediately to facilitate the claiming
> and transfer of this money to any country of my
> choice
> for proper investment and also to avoid being killed
> by the people that killed him.

Indeed! I hope you are safe! And have reliable access to the Internet! Now that I have read your pitiful story and am well-aquainted with you, I fear for you, just as I fear for Mrs. Seko Seko. I pray that you are well, have food, and a safe place. You are my new best friend so I'm eager for this conversation to continue. As I have seven children all under the age of 10, it's often very difficult to have an adult, intelligent conversation. For that reason, I'm immensely grateful for your letter.

>Presently, I am in
> Accra Ghana while my mother and younger ones are
> still
> in Liberia after the burial and three months
> mourning
> as our village local tradition demands.

Are you not concerned for your mother and your younger ones? SHould I add them to the list of people in Africa whom I now must worry about unceasingly?

>I want you
> to
> assist me in this business as my late father
> instructed. Besides, I strongly want to continue my
> education in your country and you would definitely
> stand as my guardian and overseer of any investment
> made with this money.

Guardian? I know you're my new best friend, but I've got seven children already and I'm afraid I have my hands full. I applaud you, however, for desiring to continue your education in my country. I should let you know that you should bring along a brother if you have one; in my country, it's customary to marry one's siblings. It helps keep money in the family. Since you are recently come into so much money, I think this would be the best course of action for you to marry your brother as soon as possible.

> As soon as the consignment is out from the finance
> company and the transfer made, you will be
> compensated
> with 15% of the total sum, while the remaining will
> be
> for investment. If you are willing to assist me in
> this transaction, kindly contact me on my e-mail
> address state your phone and fax numbers in your
> next
> mail, I will then furnish you with the details.

I'm afraid that my phone has been turned off (the phone company says I owe them $239,103.34 cents for long distance calls made to Nigeria for inquiries after Mrs. Seko Seko) because of non-payment and as I'm unemployed, I have no access to a fax machine. However, I stand ready to help you!

> I am now in Accra Ghana but I hope I will be able to
> get a phone number soon.Reply through this email
> eliluv1@yahoo.com
> Thanks and God bless you.

As to you and yours. I hope toh ear from you very soon. Thank you.

Sincerely, Seema