I sat down to write today and it was so hard. In a way, I really wanted to write and I did complete a story based on one of the outlines I wrote out, but it was just so *strange*. Imagine going over 6 weeks without writing - I think the last story I wrote was "Touch" - but I've still been receiving FB over the last few weeks even though obviously there hasn't been anything new, so I've been feeling very motivated in general. So I've written something new. It's a little on the dreary side - you'd think after my long vacation I'd write happyfic, but no, it's dreary!fic. It's all about war and loss - generally unhappy topics, but lately, topics that have been on my mind for a variety of reasons.

Part of me is absolutely fascinated by the psychology of said topics, but the other part of me thinks that the readers are going to absolutely wilt in boredom once they see it. Fanfic is supposed to be escapist, but sometimes I feel the need to be, well, not escapist and by association, rather boring. But I did think that of "All Things" and I've always been really bad when it comes to testing the audience (and I call myself a marketer!). Stories that I think are too 'out there' for whatever reason, they always seem to be the ones that work. The ones that I think cater to the alien mentality, those rarely elicit any attention. I think it's because you're competing against the giant unwashed masses of fic out there - no way to differentiate one J/C fic from the next or P/T (VOY, not Lori's P/T because I would never, ever dream of infringing on sacred territory).

But it was so strange on how hard it was to write. It was kind of like, "how does this work again?" Very strange. The flow wasn't there and I had strange moments going on in the fic. It's kind of sad when you send it off for beta and have to attach a note that says: "I hope you've got the translomatic on because I'm not exactly sure I'm saying what I want to be saying." I probably should send my beta flowers and chocolates at this point for all of the translating I make her do. I really envy people who have such a coherence when they write, when they know exactly what's going on from point A to point B and they always seem to have the right words. Me, I'm the fumbler and I'm always amazed when the words fall into line. To me, it's practically a miracle.

In other news, I'm searching for airfares to Sacramento for the July 4th weekend. Doesn't like it's doable - it must the entire world is heading to California for the fourth, and dang it, I want to be there too and I want to be there on the $198 roundtrip fare because the job situation is so iffy right now and I simply cannot afford the $1099 ticket American quoted me. So now I'm searching all of the airports in the Bay Area like Oakland/San Fran/San Jose/Santa Rosa, not to mention trying Reno as well. Incidentally, it just occurred to me that I was supposed to be in California on the 4th last year and such a good fare I got for that ticket and I never used it. Ah well. C'est la vie.