Friday, February 22, 2002

My Friday Night

I'm taking a break right now and perhaps, if I'm very good, I might allow myself to watch two episodes of "Enterprise" that aired before Christmas. Yes, I am that far behind. All I can say is that if I move to an area near you, expect UPN to disappear very, very fast...

Anyway, about my Friday night. I've been slogging through the Victoria budgeting process since about 6:30 pm. I basically have 14 worksheets in my Excel workbook that have been linked together in various ways to test sensitivity to production/price/sales/income taxes etc. It's a blast, let me tell you. Right now, I'm stuck on how to link up production volume with sales and prices, as my Excel skills aren't so good that I can have this separate field. But as of right now, I've got the balance sheet budgeted - which is worksheet #14 - which is a marvelous achievement and I didn't even do anything odd to it (remember, I'm the one with the sketchy accounting habits). The fact that it balanced on my first time through is a little freaky so I have a feeling everything is going just too well for me right now.

As for the other situation, that hostile team thing. Well, turns out KD went to talk to the academic advisor about our problems - hence the meeting. G was downright hostile; I really thought he would rupture a blood vessel right there on the spot. But we said what needed to be said and now it's out there in the open. About 2 hours after this meeting, the group got together and we pounded out our finance case study, ie the Gulf Oil thing from hell (the things you can do with a consumer price index! The worksheet is a thing of beauty, let me tell you). And yes, it was a little tense. KD looked like she was going to burst into tears and the guys were acting as if nothing was wrong. Luckily, we had plenty of interference from roaming classmates - specifically the Palm Pilot Duo - and so the tension was slightly eased.

However, I'm still concerned. After the meeting, I said "Okay, this is out there, let's move on from here," but KD doesn't want to work with G anymore. And she told the Director that as well. Which makes me think we may be split up into a team of 2 and 3, rather than just 5. The stress was enough to give me a migraine - which I woke up with yesterday morning. I really don't like migraines which manifest themselves in the middle of the night - it means that I've missed the signs and medication does me little to no good after that point. So I've been sleeping on and off for the last 2 days, not to mention taking medication every couple hours hoping that I'll be coherent soon.

We did meet this morning and went over to the VW dealership to talk to the sales manager there about our market research project. Everyone behaved themselves. G and I looked at cars together and decided that the Beetle was a very cute car; I want one in apple green. Anyway, then we met in the coffee shop in the lobby of my building to work on our joint group midterm, which is 30 percent of our total midterm grade. Again, went well, and around 11 am, we went our separate ways. However, I came home around 4 from work to find a message from KD on my voice mail. So of course that concerns me as she left no indication of why she was calling like she usually does. Or maybe I'm just paranoid but I really can't forget the resolve in her voice when she said she wouldn't work with G.

I'm really bummed about the WSJ reporter. I guess I was hoping for the best. And of course, that little girl in California, and then the Andrea Yates trial... then the Russians are all in a tiff about Irina Slutskya not getting the gold (Sarah Hughes was perfect - there's no denying she won the program yesterday) and some days, I wonder why I even look at the news. I know that "if it bleeds, it leads," but just one day, I want the Pollyanna version of the news, you know? Is there - can there be - such a thing? Why are we so intent on the gory stuff and generally being unkind to our fellow human beings?

In other news, we've been talking about "making it" on zendom as well as the prevalence of baby!fic and marriage!fic and the reasons for them. The "making it" discussion is making me think, really think. How do you know you've made it? Does the fact that I received two requests for archiving this week mean I've "made it"? Do I look at awards my fic has won, several of which I've some how neglected to mention? Does the fact that I haven't listed these awards say something about how I really feel? How do I know when I've made it? Is there someone who is going to tell me when I've fulfilled the necessary criteria? (And Lori, I know what you're going to say! ;-)) I guess it comes down to how much I care and I've decided that it's only fanfic.

And before you jump all over me, believe me, I'm not disparaging fanfic. Would I have written over 60 stories in 5 years if that was the case? Twenty-five of them in the last year? No, of course not. It just occurred to me that this whole concept of "making it" is about as subjective as ice-skating is and I think we all agree that Michelle Kwan, even without her gold medal, has "made it" - she is technically the greatest skater of this decade, not to mention perhaps overall. Yet, no gold medal. Some people simply perferred Tara to Michelle, and voila, le decision not to award gold to Michelle in Nagano.

I started as a relative nobody way back in the stone ages and things have changed then, but the first time I got a note from someone actually offering a thoughtful analysis of one of my stories, I nearly fell out of my chair - and then hired her as a beta reader (Hi Liz!). But it was the first time I realized that wow, I wasn't out here by myself and yes, people were reading. Do I still fall out of my chair when I get FB? On rare occasions, yes, people still have the power to absolutely stun me and I can only stare at their words and wonder, "Oh my God, you're talking about me?" But what I'm saying is that I started as a nobody and I could leave as nobody and it's really the time in between entry and leaving - what you make of it - that really matters.

"Making it" is incredibly subjective and I wonder if I'd rather spend my time convincing people I've "made it" versus actually doing what I want to do - which is write the fanfic I want to read - regardless of whether the nebulous 'out there' types want to read it. I'm doing this fanfic thing because it's fun and yes, I know that I will never be one of the "must read" authors in Trek, but hey, I amuse myself greatly in the process. Not to mention, making great friends along the way. So hence, getting back to the "how do I know I've made it?" question - given all that I've said, I'm just going to end by saying that the day I write a fanfic I'm completely happy with, that says everything I want it to say, that'll be the day I've "made it" - regardless of what the rest of the world thinks - and will finally be able to retire.

Anyway, back the number crunching for me.

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