Sunday, January 20, 2002

The Truth Is What You Make of It

For previous entries:Jemima's Annotated Guide to the Blog Wars


Mulder and Scully were imbibing in the Third Floor Cantina on a planet somewhere east of the Death Star.

"Let me get this straight, Mulder," Scully said. "You believe that there are five fanfic authors out there, an assortment of boy bands, 80 million screaming fans, and poolboys all careening around in a black minivan?"

"You forgot to mention the casts of several campy television shows," Mulder said. He grinned lopsidedly at his auburn-haired partner; she sighed in frustration. Sometimes, Mulder go really go off in tangents and all Dana Scully wanted to do right now was take a bubble bath - preferably with Mulder - but rather, they were out here in the middle of...

"Where are we, Mulder?" Scully asked. She glanced around. There were a curious assortment of folks - if you could call them 'folks' hanging out - including a particularly hairy individual who seemed to have a fond predilection for grunting.

"According to our map -" Mulder pointed - "That is Tatooine and that is Corsucant-"

"Which doesn't answer my question," Scully said. She sighed again. What in the world had she been thinking when she had agreed to give up a promising career in forensic pathology to go traisping after boogey men with Mulder? How many nights exactly had they spent in hotel rooms populated with cockroaches and decorated in varying shades of brown? And not to mention, some of the horrible food they had consumed - including that strange green goop up in Oregon. Scully's stomach lurched at the thought of eating whatever it was that the other folks in this place were eating. "I don't eat things that move, Mulder."

"I know. Dannon yogurt, fruit on the bottom," Mulder said. His eyes twinkled. "Here you go." He passed a brown paper bag over to Scully.

"So are you going to tell me what we're doing out here?" Scully queried. "Please don't tell me that this is the hot spot of the universe because if so, you owe me another vacation. Especially if this is the best you can do after we've been separated for a year."

"Even better." Mulder leaned forward. "We're going to get to the bottom of this fanfic stuff. The truth about it is out there, we just have to find it. I think that these authors know what they're up to, they just don't want to admit in public."

The waiter - an alien of indeterminate sex with blue skin and bulging eyes - placed a plate of squirming white stuff in front of Mulder and another in front of Scully. Scully winced.

"Eat it with yogurt," Mulder suggested.

"So you're saying -" Scully consulted her notepad - "That Lori, Seema, Jemima, Liz and Christine know the truth about 'fanfic'?"

"Yup." Mulder smacked his lips in relish. "Bite?"

Scully scowled. "No, but thanks for asking. You didn't explain why it was so important to explain this 'fanfic phenomena' in the first place."

"Scully, fanfic is an important trend in self-expression. It allows the author to surpass the boundaries set by the powers that be and fulfill not only their own desires, but that of others as well," Mulder said.

"Are you saying that fanfic is part of the conspiracy?"

Mulder leaned forward, a little white worm hanging slightly over his lower lip. "Scully, fanfic is the antidote to conspiracy. It takes the twists and turns in our lives and provides a rational framework which sums up our experiences in a logical manner. Plus -" Mulder's eyes twinkled devilishly at Scully - "those fanfic authors found out about us years ago."

Scully did not look convinced. "I do not like the idea. The examples I found on the Internet..."

"Trust me," Mulder said. His hand covered Scully's lightly. "It matters where you look and I think you'll be very surprised by the quality and care taken by these fanfic authors, not to mention the strength of their imaginations."

Scully shook her head. She would have to give in, she knew it. She always did. Damn Mulder and his irrationality; why couldn't he leave her alone with her corpses?

"So where do we find this black minivan?" Scully said finally. "And do they have a license to operate it in space?"

Mulder shrugged his shoulders elegantly. "In fanfic, anything is possible." He pushed his chair back. "Come on, Scully. Their last known location was somewhere near the Death Star."

Scully paused. "The Death Star?"

Mulder grinned. "It'll be fun."



"I've already been shot countless times, survived cancer, and been rendered barren because of this crazy quest of yours. Unless you tell me your sister is in that minivan-"

"I think she might be. Or, I think these authors might have a good idea of where she is if not in the minivan," Mulder said. "Scully, this could be it, this could be the clue we've been searching for all this time."

"Okay," she said finally. "But you better make it up to me later."

Mulder's lips turned up into a broad smile. "Don't worry. Thanks to fanfic, I have plenty of ideas of how to 'make it up to you.'"

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