Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Road rules

I was explaining my driving rules to my dad over the weekend, and they go something like this:

  • I never drive behind a bus, truck or any vehicle pulling a boat (or anything else, for that matter) if I can help it

  • I try my best to avoid driving behind any car with any of the following bumper stickers: W '04 or 'The Path to Hell is Lined with Liberals' etc. I have nothing against people supporting their candidate -- I just don't want to have to drive with that big old W '04 sticker in my face the entire time. Go ahead, you can call me a sore loser. By the same token, I don't like to drive behind anyone who has more than one 'Support our troops' sticker on their car; does having more than one sticker automatically make one more patriotic?*

  • I like to drive friendly, so if someone needs to merge into traffic or make a turn or something, I usually let them go (bumper stickers, btw, play no part in this rule; everyone deserves a break during their day, especially while on the road). The only exception is if they are driving a gratuitously large vehicle, in which case, I feel a deep-seated primal need to assert my small car rights into the mix and show Gratuitously Large Vehicles that I'm not afraid of their hulking monstrosities. When I say gratuitously large vehicle I mean: Hummers**, Ford F-150s (and anything larger than that), Escalades, Excursions and Expeditions.

  • On highways, I like to drive in the center lane if there is one. That way I'm not in the way of the maniacs who don't understand traffic doesn't move here in Sweat Sock City and wanting to go 70 miles an hour doesn't automatically make traffic go that fast and also, I'm out of the way of merging traffic.

  • I try to use my blinkers at all times. Every now and then I forget. I'm sorry.

  • I drive with the mind-set that getting there safely is better than getting there fast and because I stress out about getting late or lost, I usually end up leaving earlier than necessary -- especially if it's somewhere I've never been -- in order to have plenty of time to get lost and still not be late. Of course, this creates situations when I'm just way, way too early.

* The 'Support our Troops' ribbons irk me incredibly, and I can't completely articulate why that is. It's not that I don't don't support our troops, but I don't feel the need to advertise my patriotism to the world on the rear-end of my car. And while the ribbons only mention the troops, I can't help but think putting one on my car is also a tacit endorsement of the reason why they're over there and that's an impression I simply do not want to give.

**I don't know what it's like in other parts of the country, but in my neck of the woods and especially in my ultra-rich, ultra high class neighborhood, Hummers are the status cars these days and there are an amazing amount of them just driving around, threatening to overrun us small car drivers. I know things aren't great here in Sweat Sock City, but seriously, it's not downtown Baghdad. You don't need to drive a tank to go to Target!

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